Recognizing Emotional Abuse (w/ a Guest Appearance by Kate Winslet)
Emotional abuse. It’s this really awful form of abuse that starts off silently and subtlety. It tends to occur in emotionally intimate relationships (like, between boyfriends and girlfriends). Without getting too heavy right now, you know you’re a victim of emotional abuse:
- If you argue with them, they say you’re stubborn.
- If you’re quiet, they argue with you anyway.
- If you call them, they say you’re needy and clingy.
- If they call you, they think you should be grateful.
- If you don’t act like you love them, they’ll try to win you over.
- If you tell them you love them, they take advantage of you.
- If you dress sexy, they say you’re a slut or you look as if you are “trying to impress someone else”.
- If you don’t dress nice, they say you look bad.
- When you don’t sleep with them, they say you don’t love them.
- If you tell them your problems, they say you’re bothering them.
- If you don’t tell them your problems, they say you don’t trust them.
- If you try to bring up a problem, they say you’re nagging.
- If they bring up a problem, they yell.
- If you break a promise, you “can’t be trusted”.
- If they break a promise, it’s because “they had to”.
- If you cheat, they want to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
- If they cheat, they expect to be given another chance.
(Here is some more info on these tips)
As you can tell, this is pretty much a losing situation for the victim and everything is a double standard with an emotional abuser. Everything with them is a constant method of control and manipulation. I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship and it was hell on earth, let me tell you.
If you’re still not really understanding where I’m coming from, I’ve got a prime example for you. Ever seen The Holiday? You know, that movie from a few years ago with Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, Kate Winslet, and Jude Law about two lonely women who take up vaca in each other’s homes over the holidays and learn all this stuff about themselves in the process? Yea, that one. If you have absolutely no clue what the heck I’m talking about, I’ll try to recap as best I can for you in a few.
This movie is a shining example of emotional abuse if I’ve ever seen one. Like I said before, emotional abuse is subtle and most of the time you don’t even know it’s going down until it’s too late.
In terms of this film, I wanna talk about Iris (Kate Winslet) and Jasper (Rufus Sewell). This clown (Jasper) is a classic emotional abuser. I hate to ruin it for the two of you who haven’t seen it, but here’s what happens: Iris and Jasper were co-workers and also a couple for a while, but eventually broke up. Jasper enters into a new relationship with another co-worker but is still “hanging out” with Iris every now and then. At a Christmas party, Iris gives Jasper a gift. He in turn, offers up an oh-so-classy romp in the back seat of his car. 20 minutes later, he announces his engagement to his girlfriend in front of everyone. Iris is obviously crushed.
Fast forward two weeks. Iris makes a quick getaway from London to L.A. for two weeks to get over Jasper. She meets Miles (Jack Black), starts to get over Jasper and all is good in the world. One night she’s chilling at the house and who pops up but Jasper’s lame self rambling about how he misses her and how he’s so confused (cue the violins). Meanwhile, he’s still engaged to the other woman (he doesn’t seem too confused about that, though) and makes no mention of breaking up with her or being back in a relationship with Iris.
Here’s what I want you to take away from all this. Jasper did not want to be with Iris. He simply wanted her to want him. It’s a classic manipulation and control tactic used by emotional abusers. While he’s off frolicking with his new woman (the one he actually decided to marry), Iris is running off to some other woman’s (Cameron Diaz’s) house thousands of miles away just to get over this moron, attempting to kill herself, but eventually finding her happiness and being content without him. Granted, Iris allowed this to happen to herself by remaining involved with an already-involved guy. The whole movie would have never happened had Iris had enough confidence to not play second fiddle to the fiancée, but that’s another topic for another time. The point is, it’s an ego boost for Jasper to know that he is obviously unattainable, yet still has this woman chasing after him like an idiot. At any point, he could cut it off completely. But it made him feel and look good for Iris to continue this ridiculous cat and mouse game with him.
Nonetheless, I want you to keep in mind that when the person you’re feeling doesn’t want you, they will display it. Forget what they say. Actions speak a heck of a lot louder than words. Just because they call you every now and again, go out with you a few times a month, and spend a little cash here and there, does not a relationship make. If they like you, you will know it. You won’t have to wonder or try to find ways to force them to display their affection. And you certainly won’t need to “get away” just to escape the hurt they’ve inflicted. You’re not a kid so don’t kid yourself. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
Gwen Jimmere
www.TheDuckWalk.com
5 Comments
Hey! This is GREAT advice. Thanks Gwen! The best advice always comes from those who have experienced the subject and have successfully come out of it. While, I’m sorry to say you’ve been emotionally abused, it’s also a great lesson for all of us. It’s like one of those things where we love each other to death, but something like you can’t or don’t want to be together.
Anyways, we had a speaker come in and talk about relationships. We got a sheet titled How Healthy is My Relationship?
Here it is:
Healthy: Have fun more often then not, Each enjoy spending time separately, with your own friends, as well as with each other’s friends, Always feel safe with each other, Trust each other, Are faithful to each other if you have made this commitment, Support each other’s opinions, even when they are different, Respect each other’s opinions, even when they are different, Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing at each other or making threats, Both accept responsibility for your actions, Both apologize when you are wrong, Have equal decision making power about what you do in your relationship, Each control your own money, Are proud to be with each other, Encourage each other’s interests, Have some privacy, Have close friends and family who like the other person and are happy about your relationship, Never feel like you are eing pressured for sex, Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual, Allow each other space when you need it, Always treat each other with respect.
Unhealthy: Gets extremely jealous or accuses the other of cheating, Puts the other down by calling names, cursing or making the other feel bad about him or herself, Yells at and treats the other like a child, Doesn’t take the other person, or things that are important to him/her seriously, Doesn’t listen when the other talks, Frequently criticizes the other’s friends or family, Pressures the other for sex, or makes sex hurt or feel humiliating, Has ever threatened to hurt the other or commit suicide if they leave, Cheats or threatens to cheat, Tells the other how to dress, Has ever grabbed, pushed, hit, or physically hurt the other, Blames the other for your own behavior(If you hadn’t made me mad, I wouldn’t have…), Embarrasses or humiliates the other, Smashes, throws or destroys things, Tries to keep the other from having a job or furthering his/her education, Makes all the decisions about what the two of you do, Tries to make the other feel crazy or plays mind games, Goes back on promises, Acts controlling or possessive – like you own your partner, Uses alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior, Ignores or withholds affection as a way of punishing the other, Depends completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs.
Hope I helped,
James Nhan
That is realy helpful. I just hope that no one ever has to go through that.
I have twice actually, but they werent guys that I dated or anything. The first guy was my classmate and tricked me into doing things for him by being all nice and when I didnt he would yell at me, throw things and what not. And if I didnt do it right it would end worse.
The second guy I liked alot, but I didnt know who he really was. I saw him as a nice guy because he talked to me every now and then. We passed notes in school and left them in each others lockers. He even said “I love you Jess” out loud when I was walking to the front of class once.
But I found out that the notes he supposedly had written were from his friends. See they would group together, read the note I wrote him and they would all write together.
They thought it was a joke. They laughed at me because they thought it would be funny to see how long they could keep me hanging on.
Well the guy had me by the leash for a few years and in that time he harassed me, emotionally and physically occasionally.
I eventually started to ignore the guy but the more I did the more he became furious that he wasnt getting the attention that he wanted. But at least I got out.
I vow NEVER to let anyone treat me like dirt the way he did.
Good info, you may think you’re able to handle rough times, but the damage an abusive person can do to you emotionally is often hard to see before it’s too late.
hey man, i just read this this article and I feel like i may be emotionally abusive. See, in my past relationships i was very controlling and abusive physically and verbally. I was manipulative and pretty much i psycho boyfriend. I realized that I was acting a lot like my dad and I didn’t like it so i decided to change that. I’m a lot better now and I’m not as jealous and controlling as I use to be, but I feel now that i may still be a bit controlling and abusive, just in a different way. it’s kind of weird to see the opposite side huh? well, i would really like to change so I can be the best boyfriend i can be for her, well, because I freaking love her to death. What can i do to be better?
I think I have got a light version of this. Have this guyfriend who i got to know just after he was crushed when dumped by his gf, i think i became a substitute for her. We are most things a bf/gf are but he still says he arent ready and doesnt love me enough, he calls me “just a crush”. I am in love with him and want a real relationship. I am getting so tired of this, i’m telling him i wanna get less close to him and stop flirting and all, and lose that bf-feeling i have for him so i can get a real boyfriend but he doesnt wanna let me. He says we cant be close friends anymore then and that he will be sad, hurt and jealous of that new boyfriend. Which i dont want him to be of course, and there he has me, chained :/…
Nice text, though