Hey Josh

Kelsey, It seems like his state of depression is not a good influence on you so if he makes you upset you either need to help him become a happier person or explain to him that it’s not healthy for ou to be in a relationship with someone who worsens your own depression. Try to talk it out with him and see what you can do to make him less depressed. Ask him how he wants to feel as a happier person and work from there. Hope this helped.
-Blaine

hey, kelsey =)

i kind of get where you’re coming from, except i’m usually on his end of the phone. the thing is… he might not feel like he has anyone else. i’m not telling you this to make you feel worse, i’m telling you this so you might be able to keep it in mind if he’s draining you out. but regardless of this, he NEEDS to have someone else, at least one other person – best friend, sibling, therapist, whatever. if you are the only one he ever turns to, your relationship will turn into more of a therapist/patient one than a girlfriend/boyfriend one.

and don’t be tempted to sideswipe your own feelings because you feel like you need to help him handle his. it’s good that you acknowledge your own depression and that you know that him being upset makes you feel worse. and even if he is a nice person, you need to keep yourself in mind. every relationship has bad moments, but if you are unhappy more than you are happy or feel weighed down more often than not, then you might want to reconsider this one. if you’re both depressed, you might not be compatible until you can both get it under control. it doesn’t make either of you a bad person.

as far as being concerned he will hang himself, that is a serious red flag. if you think he’d go that far, you might want to consult someone you trust. if you have a therapist, maybe try to see if he’d like to speak to him/her. but thinking he might become suicidal if you break up with him is a bad sign for the relationship. it may sound selfish, but you don’t need the weight of feeling like someone else’s life is resting with you sticking around. if you honestly feel that he would go that far, you need to get help. if you feel like you have no one to ask, go to postsecret.com and scroll all the way to the bottom. there is a number for a suicide help hotline, and i’m sure they could help you. i know talking to strangers is weird, but if you feel like you have no one else, it is legit and worth a shot.

please, please, please just remember that it is not up to you to make him happy. i know it’s easy to feel like you should be the one to cheer him up, especially being his girlfriend and main confidant, but you don’t and shouldn’t have to handle the task of helping him on your own. if he is depressed (and it sounds like he is), it’s not your fault, and it’s definitely not his either. it’s a serious issue that needs more than just a temporary solution.

sorry this is so long. i hope it helps you, at least in part.

-shannon

ok first of all we have all suffered with depression and this depression leads us down a road riddled with self-pity and the like. secondly the way I see depression is just like everything else.. it is a choice no? I mean it disguises itself pretty well but at the root still a choice, once that is realized the remainder is about your physical depression.. i suggest getting some physical excercise whether running, playing frisbee(which can also build the spirit lol) and simply surrounding yourself with things that do not bring you down.. soon enough you’ll look back and realize you’ve been on cloud 9 for a while. if in trouble again go back to step one and repeat!

Not everyone has suffered from depression. Everyone has felt sad and tired and frustrated, but depression is a medical and mental problem, not a feeling. Yes, there are some choices involved, but different kinds of depression (seasonal or bipolar, for instance) effect some otherwise really happy people. And yes, exercise, doing things your happy, etc. may slowly treat depression, but talking with a professional is the only way to know how best to treat it.
I think Shannon is 100% right. We aren’t meant to have to deal with stuff like this on our own. If you think your ending the relationship would make him commit suicide, it’s not a healthy relationship. Get help. For him, for you.

Maybe another way to bring him out of depression is to remind him why he’s so important. A lot of depressed people think they aren’t important to anyone and therefore they begin to think that their life sucks. Maybe, if you remind him why he’s important, and even make him laugh, you might ease his pain (I have a personal belief that laughter heals a lot of wounds. When was the last time you guys laughed?). But as always, if this doesn’t help, seek the aid of a trusted adult with more experience.

Kelsey,

MY ADVICE IS IN THE JOSH SHIPP SPIRIT OF “IN YOUR FACE BUT ON YOUR SIDE”

I understand that you want to BE THE ONE that gets your boyfriend through this, however, you’ve been with him for five months and apparently that hasn’t helped YET if he’s still depressed. Apparently his depression has rubbed off on you too. Depression is contagious. One sure thing is that if you yourself deal with depression neither one of you can truly help one another out of it if BOTH of you are presently IN it. You are in a pretty risky situation because if he does attempt hurting himself you would blame yourself for his choice.

FIRST:

I believe the best thing you can do for him AND you, is to strategically distance yourself from him in order to help him. YOU need to “get out of the woods” of depression first if you’re going to be able to help him out of it as well. If you don’t you will get dragged down deeper with NO hope of helping him or yourself.

SECOND:

You can’t do it alone. You’ve already tried and it hasn’t worked. “It takes a village.” – Parents, professional counselors, a pastor, – people who know how to deal with situations like this and are committed to telling you what you need to hear even if it hurts!. If nothing else you’ll be a REAL FRIEND doing the BEST you can to help. And when the time is right you’ll find your way back to each other, AND YOU’LL BOTH BE BETTER PEOPLE ENJOYING A BETTER RELATIONSHIP.

it’s really the responsible and mature thing to do. I hope this helps.

Last spring, my boyfriend who has a history of depression told me after hiding it from me for a couple months that he had become suicidal. He then went on to tell me that he would never actually follow through because of me. Our relationship had been declining for other reasons for several months, but I was petrified of what would happen if I left. Fortunately, he sought professional help, received a medical diagnosis of bipolar disorder with appropriate treatment, and joined a support group. However, during this whole process my mental health was rapidly declining from the stress.

Please take Shannon’s advice posted on May 31st to heart. It is almost everything that I wanted to tell you and that I wish I had had when I entered the above situation. I would also like to add that if your boyfriend has a good relationship with his family and they are not aware of his depression and potential suicidal tendency, it may be a good idea to reach out to them. It may feel awkward, but they may be in a better position to make sure he gets the treatment he needs.

You’ve taken the first step in asking for advice, and you are not alone.

Well, it sounds like he needs some help. For whatever reason he’s depressed, and if he won’t talk to anyone else, including you, then he needs professional help. Do try to talk to him and find out why he feels this way.

Hey guys how can I post a question here???