Hey Josh, I’m Having Problems With My Parents
I get a lot of emails from teens and twenty somethings who spill their guts to me and ask for my advice. It’s flattering. It’s humbling. It’s exhilarating. It keeps me up at night and inspires me to get up in the morning. And sometimes it just downright breaks my heart.
Like this.
A girl recently sent me a request for advice on YouTube. I asked her if it would be cool if I shared the vid with you. She said, “Indeed.”
This makes me sad for two reasons:
1// She’s going through this
2// A LOT of you are going through this
People ask me “How can I deal with my parents?” all the time, and it’s not an easy question. I know—I dealt with twelve different sets of parents growing up in foster care. Anyway, hold on to your socks for an in-depth look at this issue coming in the near future. In the meantime, here’s my response back to Kiley—I share it with you b/c it’s what I’d tell you if you had the same problem:
Hey there,
Sorry about your situation. My advice would be to focus on what you DO have, instead of what you DON’T have.
You DO have friends who care about you.
Love you.
Respect you.
Want you.
If your parents don’t feel like way (which is crazy) that is their problem. I wish I could give you some secret advice to make your parents change.
***BUT I CAN’T***
So this is a situation where the only thing you have control over is how you react.
You are a valuable person. And lovable. If your parents truly don’t see that, it’s their loss. Not yours.
// josh
P.S. May I put your video on heyjosh.com? I think a lot of teens could relate to your situation.
I also asked for some advice from a few friends of mine on her situation. Here’s what they brought to the table:
Advice from bvantil:
Hey Kiley, you seem like a great person, and that your family life is in a ‘valley’ right now. Be sure you take the time to sit them down one on one and explain how you feel, but be sure to ask what’s going on with THEM—you may be surprised at why they’re acting the way they are…and it’s okay to confide (and vent) to your friends (that’s what friends are for! 
Advice from melissacwalker:
Aw, Kiley. Find the people who value you—your friends, the people you CHOOSE to have in your life—and stick with them. Let them build you up, and focus on that.
So, what’s YOUR take? Two things I’m wondering:
Firstly, if you’ve been through something like this, how have you dealt with it? What did you learn from it? What worked? What didn’t? Second, what advice would you give to her/someone like her?
In your face, but on your side.
// josh
7 Comments
I’ve dealt with this in the harshest way possible. During my suicide attempt instead of bringing me to an er my mom called me stupid and dragged me to a pediatrician an hour away because she didn’t want to pay for the hospital,but after all this my failed attempt has been a blessing.
it sounds crazy and paradoxical but the truth is i learned that no matter what i do i can’t change how my parents are. The only thing that i can change is how i react to them and how i am as a person. I’m the one who controls my future. Maybe you don’t have a picture perfect relationship with you’re parents but if you have the picture perfect relationship with yourself and who you want to be you will be just fine. Trust me worst things have happened in this world. Everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
I’ve dealt with this in the harshest way possible. During my suicide attempt instead of bringing me to an er my mom called me stupid and dragged me to a pediatrician an hour away because she didn’t want to pay for the hospital,but after all this my failed attempt has been a blessing.
it sounds crazy and paradoxical but the truth is i learned that no matter what i do i CAN’T CHANGE who my parents are. The thing that i CAN CHANGE is how i react to them and how i am as a person.
I’m the one who controls my future.
Maybe you don’t have a picture perfect relationship with you’re parents but if you have the picture perfect relationship with yourself and who you want to be you will be just fine.
Trust me worst things have happened in this world. Everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
Hey there,
Let me start off by saying you’re truly a strong indivdual. I have dealt with less then stellar parents, when I was around four my family and I went to Germany as my dad was stationed over there. Well, I find out years later( when I’m sixteen or so, I’m eighteen now) that my mother would come home drunk and not know where I was. My father would then come home, not knowing. One of many things… Where’d they find me? On the neighbors couch sleeping, the sad thing was that the neighbors didn’t een know I was there. How have I dealt with it? and What did I learn? I learned that’s my past and it will forever will be but it has given me such motivation to choose what I want to do with my life. I pushed past the divorce my parents had and not being able to see them saddly it was a blessing as if I would have stayed with my mother (my father moved to a city far enough away) that I would probably wouldn’t be able to speak to you right now. What worked? Knowing that other family and friends are there. My grandparents got custody over me and I have countless friends young and old to help. My advice: Realize the potential you have even if your parents don’t see it! Realize that potential combined with your goals will send you places that people would be in awe over. Right now live life the best you can and realize there is more out there then this pain that is keeping you down. I hope for the best!
One of the biggest secrets in life is that parents are just people, that means they are by no means perfect even when they act like they are. The other big secret is that parents NEVER EVER have control over their kids, even though they act like they do. From the time you, me, any one was born the only one who has control over you is YOU. Yes parents have tremendous “influence” but that is all they have. Think about it, who decided what your favorite toy was when you were young? Who decided when you smiled, when you cried, etc? YOU and only YOU! So parents are trying to control what they can never control and kids grow into teens who have no idea how to use the most powerful tool they will ever have … The Power of Choice which gives you Control! In order to use your Power to the max you have to be willing to accept Responsibility for Your Choices. That’s not always easy. Just like your parents have zero control over you, you have zero control over them. People are like oranges – when you squeeze an orange you get orange juice each and every time. People can only show you what they have inside. They can not show you unconditional love unless they have unconditional love on the inside. So something within your Mother is causing her to make the choices she is making towards you, it is not you. Now you may have made choices in the past that have influenced her reactions and you have to take responsibility for your choices, not her reaction – good or bad. Then start looking at your Orange Juice. What are you sharing with the rest of the world? Start using your Power of Choice to control your future so that you are moving in the direction YOU want your life to go. We all want to be love, appreciated and respected but it doesn’t have to come from your Mom. Define what love, appreciation and respect are to you and then look for others who have the orange juice to meet that definition. Peace Out – Mama J
Hey Kiley. I know how you feel when you said your sister and mom’s boyfriend are the center of attention. I have a little sister that gets everything she wants when she wants it. Also, my mom’s boyfriend, my mom usually takes his side over things. But hear me out, don’t let it get to you. I most certainly don’t. Sometimes I write about it or take to someone else about it. I’m telling you it really helps. If your friends are the only ones who want you in the world, it’s great that you have people to care about you. Your family is missing out, hopefully they’ll soon see that. Bye
Hey Kiley. I know it’s tough. Sometimes you NEED an adult to talk to, and parents are supposed to be a teen’s closest choice. I’ve turned to a teacher that has emotionally adopted me as her own to a certain point. I visit her regularly throughout the school year, and she even invites me to her house in the summer. If you aren’t getting along with your parents, and you’ve already made an effort to try to improve that relationship- find someone else to turn to. You seem extremely nice; there will be an adult who will be willing to listen to you. Teacher, guidance counselor, maybe even someone at church.
Now, I couldn’t see the video because it was removed, but judging by what Josh wrote and what comments were posted, it seems you have trouble about your parents and them loving/caring for you.
It can be tough, but if you can pull through passed high school and onto college, and keep your head high and mind steered forward, I believe you can live a good life after this. I won’t say I know how you feel, because I’ve never gone through this before, but I will say that I’m sorry you’re in this situation. However, pity doesn’t do anything, so instead I offer friendship and my advice.
I say you should look to your friends and perhaps school counselors for help. Friends can give you the love and care you need as well as respect. Counselors can give you other help as well as respect.
Some other advice I have is to always keep your mind steered forward. I know you can pull through this and live a good life. So do it.
I really hope you do.
Hope I helped,
James